Friday, October 1, 2010

Bald is good.

I was sitting in the barber's chair a few days before my surgery, and the young man was giving me a buzz cut. When he finished, I noticed my frock and the floor around the chair, and I asked myself, "Where are the remnants of my hair?" Then it hit me. There is no hair left.

Hello, my name is Dave, and I am bald. Not balding. Not baldish. Just bald. Underlined, bolded, italicized. It's time to accept this. My new CI processor will not be hiding discreetly behind a thick head of hair. It will be visible for the entire world to see, to mock, to stare. Pre-CI, I was convinced that I got the stares from curious bystanders because I was so damned good-looking. I mean, I'm always mistaken for a celebrity or a model. But now with my baldness and my CI device, the stares will be out in full force.

It's. Time. To. Accept. This.

The other day, an exchange between me and my wife:

<looking in the mirror>
Oh yeah, time for a haircut.

Really?  <looks at my head, then pauses>  ... How can you tell?

Look at this lovely family photo of my son, Mom and myself. The first words that came out of my mouth upon viewing:   Daaaaaaamn, I'm bald.

Who is that creepy bald man kneeling in front of my child!? Oh wait, yes, it's me!

Exhibit number two. Another lovely photograph. This one has Ryan being introduced to his little sister. Priceless, right? One of life's special moments.

Who is that creepy bald man kneeling in front of my child!? Oh wait, yes, it's me!

So, it's time to embrace it. Bald is good. Bald is sexy. Bald is in. But the problem is, you can't just be bald. You need to have another attribute that launches you into the stratosphere of coolness. Otherwise, you're just a regular bald guy. Some cool cats:

Kojak. P.I., lollipop sucker and bald = cool.

John Locke. Knife-wielder, eternal island inhabitant and bald = cool.

Mr. Clean. Good hygeine and bald = cool.

Howie Mandel. Game show host..... never mind.

Brando in Apocalypse Now. Scary, chilling and bald = cool.

Vic Mackey in The Shield. Cop killer, liar, morally corrupt and bald = cool when you're being played so well by Michael Chiklis.

These are my current heroes. They are teaching me how to be bald and cool. My proverbial hat's off to them.

Even though most of them are dead now. Or cancelled.

Cool or creepy? The jury's still out.

1 comment:

karen hulseberg said...

You are so funny!!!